Someone to Watch Over Me

I am a reader. It’s what I love to do more than almost anything in the world. Proof? I have already read more than 120 books this year. I just finished a book called Skinny by Donna Cooner about a fifteen year old girl who weighs 302 pounds. She gets gastric bypass surgery and struggles to understand that changing your outside doesn’t mean your insides automatically change too.

Her struggles were difficult for me to read because I saw myself in them. I turn thirty later this year, but in many ways I am still like a young girl hiding because she is uncomfortable in her skin. I disappear inside my books so I don’t have to face reality. I hide under the layers of fat. I use my weight as a crutch – an excuse – to avoid people.

I spend almost all of my time alone because I can’t imagine people would actually want to spend time with me when I don’t even want to. I am used to being the fat one at family gatherings and because of it I try to make myself invisible, even when I am surrounded by people who are supposed to love me.

This is a sad and lonely existence. One fueled by the fat. And even though it is truly miserable, it is easier to keep the fat as a shield. This is why I inevitably fail.

It is easier to live with a known reason for invisibility than it is to shed that reason and discover you are still unseen.

This is something I need to work on. Not only does my physical health need changing, but my mental health does as well.

This is something I am not entirely sure how to go about doing. I know how to lose weight. I can count calories with the best of them. I know how many calories are in just about everything I put into mouth. But I sabotage it every single time because it’s easier to hide under the fat.

Sometimes it feels like being miserable is what makes me happy. Except I know that’s not it. It’s just comfortable.

But comfortable isn’t healthy. And I really do want to be healthy. It’s time I start watching over myself and stop hoping I find a fairy godmother who will wave her wand and make me who I want to be. Who I feel like inside.


9 thoughts on “Someone to Watch Over Me

  1. I, too, go back and forth with losing and gaining weight. I lost 50 lbs, only to gain back 60. My problem is that I just love food. It’s my drug of choice. And my favorites are the foods that are so unhealthy, such as hotdogs and pizza.

    I avoid people too, for the most part, but mainly because I am an introvert. And there’s nothing wrong with that. People try to get introverts to change, but there is no reason to do so. A book on introverts (this is the audio version):

    Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

    My son is an introvert, like me. I refuse to try to make him change, become more social, etc. He’s great just the way he is, and if there’s an introvert inside of you, so are you.

    • I am introverted, but that doesn’t mean I should hide from the world. I love being around people. Of course, after a day or so of too many people, I get very anxious and need alone time to recharge.

      But this self-imposed exile I am in is not a result of my introversion – though it’s easy to pretend it is.

      It’s because I am unhappy and looking for the easy way out.

    • Oh… I love food too. It’s definitely a drug for me. When I’m happy I want it. When I’m sad I want it. I kind of think about food all of the time. Yet another piece of my mental health that needs to timprove.

  2. My boss says that if our students are comfortable, they’re not learning. In other words, you have to push the limits of your own comfort levels in order to progress forward.

    But progressing forward, learning to be happy with yourself, and making the steps to become healthy are all hard; just as all the good and positive things in life require work and risks. And taking risks is not easy to do, because there’s always the chance you’ll end up even unhappier than before.

    Have you set goals? Maybe something as simple as setting a goal to keep a thankful journal or a goal to discover and learn to love one part of yourself per week will help you move forward.

    • I do have goals. I met the first one and lost 20 pounds. Remember how excited I was when that happened in early May?

      But maybe you’re right – maybe I need mental health goals too. After writing this post, I cried for awhile and then took a 3 hour nap. Naps may feel good, but staying in bed makes things worse.

      I need to go running. I’ve been planning all day on doing Mission Two of Zombies, Run! – but as I barely dragged myself out of bad, I’m having a hard time convincing myself to get up and go do it.

      • I think perhaps your key to getting healthy is to first get yourself into the mindset of being happy and positive. I know that all of my bad choices when it comes to food or [lack of] exercise stems from being unhappy or cranky or negative. Sometimes even just discovering yourself and why you do the things you do moves you in the right direction because you become more aware of what you’re doing.

        I am going to email you something. It might help you and it might not.

  3. Pingback: The Good and the Bad « Becoming Mandi Kaye

  4. I think the fairy godmother is you. You’re there inside and you have wonderful things to share with the world that only you can bring. I so wish I had learned that message earlier in my life, but you are not alone in your struggles and someone out there (just like you) needs to hear about them. Thank you for honestly sharing. It’s a tough thing to do and takes a lot of courage.

  5. Pingback: Never Too Fond of BooksReview: Skinny by Donna Cooner » Never Too Fond of Books

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